Is everyone in your extended circle suddenly in an open relationship? Because I think everyone in mine is. How does this relate to apathy? Well, I thought you’d never ask. Being 24 is weird, and it’s especially weird when the state of the planet is steadily deteriorating, and there’s a general sense of hopelessness that comes along with it. When such major shifts happen within one generation’s lifetime, it’s fair to say many contradictions arise. We’re one of the most open minded yet most isolated generations, despite being connected 24/7.
I once had a grade 11 social studies teacher who said, “Apathy is the decline of the nation” (shout out Ms. Andres), and it has been a simple explanation for most things since. We care so much about everything we cannot fix individually that it leads us to care about nothing at all. I think the same can be said for the state of dating and relationships as a young person in the 2020s. Polyamory isn’t new, obviously, but the fact that a hockey-boy turned woke-poet (whose name is probably along the lines of Joe, Aidan, or Cameron) is suddenly poly is. Why, though? Well, how convenient is it to avoid commitment and fuck whoever you want while categorizing it as being open minded and free?
Commitment is scary, especially when our future is so uncertain, so can I really blame people for not wanting to be traditional? People who fall into this category(Joe, Aidan, Cameron) typically come from this traditional background, and yet find you stuffy and backwards if you want to settle down and date someone exclusively. Polyamory was once more common in queer spaces—perhaps because they grasp what it takes to have more than one lover, to juggle everyone’s needs and expectations, to understand that communication is the only way this sort of relationship can thrive. I fear Joe, Aidan, and Cameron are still developing their sense of communication and empathy after their latest shrooms trip, and don’t value what it means to care and share yourself with more than one person.
Don’t get me wrong, fuck who you want, love who you want, do what works for you—but don’t put it under the guise of an ‘open relationship’ just so you can avoid committing to just one person. There’s a glaring lack of communication, everyone is sort of just stuck in a continuous situationship until it all falls apart. Is it a cynical point of view? Maybe! Am I perhaps just a hopeless romantic who just wants someone to love me fully? Probably! I may even yearn for the days where people just had mistresses and lovers—at least then we could have our feelings hurt and be valid. But in these situations it’s like everyone gets hurt but no one can be mad about it, because it was ‘open.’
For the record, I’m not a traditional person, and I truly believe there’s nothing wrong with loving more than one person. I just hate that everywhere I look Joe thinks he invented DJ’ing house music and having two girlfriends.
Loving more than one person should be the opposite of apathy, but really it might just be a byproduct of a nation that’s afraid of the future. It’s hard to pinpoint when this shift in the general subculture took place. One of my lesbian friends decided to try her hand at the ole Hinge song and dance, and remarked how so many people had ‘poly and partnered’ in their bios. I did state about how it was, in fact, an epidemic, not just for the gays, but the straights too. The last time she was on Hinge a few years ago, there weren’t nearly as many poly, open relationship, etc leaning folks—perhaps a by-product of the pandemic? Isolation, so just wanting to be as open and love as many as possible? Could be, but seems a cop out to blame everything on the pandemic.
Internet darling and atmospheric alt indie icon Ethel Cain recently wrote a Tumblr post (now deleted but accessible via Reddit) about an “Irony epidemic.” She rants about how there is a lack of sincerity in art and with each other stating, “There is surely a noticeable lack of passion in everything these days. Everyone can feel it, everyone is talking about it. Everything now is “cringe,” or “doing too much,” or “not that serious.” Actually, it is that serious. Insecurity in one’s own deeper feelings may not be a new thing, but a culture that seems to promote this eschewing of them does seem to be a new evil.”
I believe we’re tapping into the same themes here. This overall indifference can be felt far and wide, and somehow caring too much about one thing is something to be ashamed of. Everyone is now praised for being mysterious, nonchalant, and casual. I miss the days when passion is what made a person sexy—not when Aidan sings an off-key cover of Jeff Buckley’s “Lover You Should’ve Come Over” at you and ghosts you once you suggest being exclusive.
The conversations I’ve had with friends prove it’s not just me experiencing this shift in the overall dating scene, but in fact a shift in the overall state of the culture. My clearly negative opinion on this topic would be very different if it were a more open and honest approach, instead it feels like an apathetic loophole out of being in a relationship. Perhaps the shift started when hookup culture got a bad reputation, but at least that was more honest. I think we all should have embraced our inner Samantha Jones then, called it what it was and moved on. Now we have the rebranded version—ethically non monogamous/poly and partnered/ short term-open to long/ whatever else they can fit into a Hinge bio.
Is being so connected and so detached worth it? Are we really caring for all these people or are we just loving and leaving them with a prettier name? My take is this—if you really want to be poly, don’t half ass it. Care, and care deeply for the multiple lovers on your roster. Bring back empathy in a world that would love to have you hate it instead of change it. So the next time Cameron offers to chill after his DJ set, please just ponder if they would find you ‘too much’ or ‘cringe’ if you expressed an ounce of passion outside of his interests.